Dinner with Twin (continual updates - I need to remind myself what I’m doing)

If I could have recorded that conversation, I would’ve listened to it everyday while I rode my bike or walked around campus.

Alright, I’m going to try and regurgitate as much information as humanly possible, in an attempt for later viewing:

Here’s a (relative) breakdown of our history in my own mind - I could be completely wrong:

I became a crutch throughout the relationship. There were times when both of us were incredibly strong and contributed equal parts of ourselves to the relationship (this is the ideal relationship - both persons happy make an ultimately happy relationship). The first separation was caused by home life issues, causing insecurity and pain. Everyone needs a structure or support in their life, and yours disintegrated in front of you. You needed time to figure out what was happening in your own life, and to try and make sense of the priorities in your world. We got back together, and you found your structure/support in me, and there was nothing I wasn’t willing to do to help you through your hard times, and there was nothing I was more happy to do then help you through your problems (yea, run-on, but it still makes sense). This was great. I was your support, and we were able to coach each other through our problems (and honestly, more through yours then mine - simply because I didn’t have a whole lot of them at the time - or at least they were at the back of my mind). Everything through freshman year of college was great (with a couple of bumps), up until physics started in Spring term. This was your first TRUE encounter with academia, and pushed your limits. I helped you through this too (I wasn’t the only one, granted). You’d never experienced this kind of stress outside of your home life issues, and it was overwhelming, foreign, and scary. You needed me. During this time, the ratio of personal contribution to the relationship was around 80:20. I was doing my absolute best to keep you afloat while you were struggling to get through physics. And now, post-Winter term ‘11, after finally being finished with physics, you were able to see the dependence upon me that you really had, and you didn’t like it. You found your unhappiness in yourself and your identity. You found unhappiness in your weakness (your need for your support system - me). You found unhappiness in not considering experiencing life first-hand because of the type of relationship we were in, and it was brought to light through my internship in Fall ‘11. You were frustrated at yourself and aspects of your dependence that you had developed.

Here’s what I think:

I want you to be happy, and I totally understand what you’re doing, and I respect it. I think it’s an amazing thing that you were able to identify what was wrong in your life and want to change it. It would have been so much easier to just go along and accept what was happening (although, as you said, I’m sure you would have recognized a problem later on - leading to further heart break when our life together would have been more “concrete”). But instead, you decided to act on those feelings (something I admire, really).

After talking with your brother, I believe I need personal growth too. Here’s how I see it: I need to get on a level of being and confidence in myself where I can live independently and be happy (i.e no one else in my life), or live with you and be happy, or live without you and with someone else and be happy (my feelings I already discussed with you about this - no point in reiteration). I want to be happy in all situations, regardless of where I/you end up. “Positive detachment” is what I’m calling it. If you want to be a part of that life then great! I’d love nothing more then for you to be a part of it. I want to have enough confidence in myself to be able to be the best possible version of myself without you. With that being said, I know that when we’re both at our best and we are in a relationship, we are the ABSOLUTE best versions of ourselves (this is fact). And If you were to come to me tomorrow and say “I’ve figured it out, I want to be with you again”, I would say “No”, because I’m not at the level of growth that I want to be at yet before I re-enter a relationship with you.

Here’s where I stand in this: I love you, and always will. I’ve heard on multiple occasions (from different people) the whole “fish in the sea” cliche, and to that I say “bull-mother-fucking-shit”. I know what I want in a partner, and I know the connection that we have together is on another level. I know you feel that way too. I knew our relationship, and nobody else fully experienced it as I did. I know that we will end up together if we are meant to be. I know that any other relationship or fling you have with any other guy will not be on the level of connection that we’ve always been on (same goes for me). And I won’t be upset if you were to be in another relationship, because I know that that would be a part of the personal growth process. I know for a fact that no one will ever treat you as kindly, as passionately, and with such respect as I did. And I don’t ever plan on queuing that back, despite what happens in the future. I don’t really believe in soul mates, but I believe in the intervention of the universe. There was a reason we met when we were 14; you needed someone like me through the hardest times you ever experienced. And I was happy to do it. I also believe that we will be together again some day (whenever that is). Before losing you, I only wanted one thing with the deepest desire: that was for me to be a physician (and I mean that in the sense that I never thought I’d lose you and all my focus was on my career). And now, with circumstances being as they are, a relationship with you is in that category of absolute deep, heart-felt, passionate desire that I have for my career - even to a greater extent, I would say. And that’s where the power of my mind comes into play. I know that we will be together again, and I believe the universe will intervene at the correct time - the optimal time for both of us. We will have an amazing life together, and enjoy every moment of each others company because of what has happened.

Hopefulmuch? Naw, just absolute confidence in myself and the world.

Post Script. I plan on losing weight, changing my diet, changing my body. I’m going to look good. I will be the most attractive version of myself. So, be prepared.